Downhill Days & Uphill Battles

             

 As another race season draws to a close I thought I’d take the chance to reflect on the highs & lows of this year. There have been a lot of both, thankfully equalling each other out. 

Unfortunately it’s been impossible to ignore the elephant in the room- my breathing, which has really got in the way & continues to impact my life & my swimming. I don’t talk about it much, because I can’t change it; suffice to say that it takes a lot to make me question whether I want to keep swimming & this season I’ve had that conversation with Dave more than ever before. 

My season started with a masters 400, where at 300m I stopped breathing & had to do the next 50m on my back whilst trying to work out what to do!! I finished, it was outside 5:00 but, I guess, at least my backstroke was looking good!!

Then National masters, I swam fine, bronze in 1500 & gold in 200 back but I just didn’t feel settled. I’d completely lost confidence in my racing & realised I wasn’t enjoying it because of that. 

Then over Christmas & throughout early January, my peak flow continued to drop & I had no choice but to try new medication. I’m always reluctant because often it’s ‘better the devil you know’. Unfortunately though this one came with potential side effects that needed closely monitoring- so for the next month or so I had to give my body time to adapt to the medication & then see how it coped with training added. So 4 times a week I was up at 04:30, in the water at 05:30 swimming for 15mins (then 20, 30, 45) & then being effectively thrown out by my coach for my own good. This was a tough time- I felt fine but I had to stick to the guidance because I was gradually increasing the medication & until it was at full dose I was lucky to be swimming at all.

Just as I was up to an hour training at a time I caught Covid. We knew this was going to happen eventually - but without going into details it was worse than I envisaged & my oxygen levels remained annoyingly low for what seemed like forever. 

By mid-April I was starting to get some consistency back & had entered BestFest ‘just to do it’. I was learning from training that my aerobic base was coming on, but that the second I pushed on there was nothing except breathing problems. BestFest surpassed my expectations, I loved the swimming- managed a 5km, 1.5km & 7km in 5 days & also got some much needed time away with Dave & Ellie. 

In July I tried to race in the pool again- no pressure at all & I was looking forward to it. It ended badly when I stopped breathing mid race. As I walked off poolside into the changing rooms I looked back at the competition pool set up & acknowledged that I wouldn’t be here again. For now my pool racing goggles must be hung up. The second I start to push above my threshold pace my breathing complains & although I love racing I can’t risk my ability to be able to keep swimming & keep breathing for the sake of racing. There were a lot of tears & a lot of frustration- before the final acceptance. I can swim aerobically forever, but nothing above that for the foreseeable at least.

             

The following weekend it was the Regional Open Water Championships. Aware that another shocker wouldn’t do me any favours at all I just went up to support others & then decided that since I was there I’d just swim comfortably aerobically & enjoy it. I did- but I also experienced a very rare ‘downhill’ day. These happen in training sometimes & in races just a handful of times in an entire career. On a downhill day you fly with no real effort- as if the pool or lake are tilted down in your favour. I remember my last downhill day race very clearly- 1995 at a Speedo Grand Prix event. At 200m of a 400m I realised I’d never felt so easy & was excited to build the last 200m. Usually at 200m I would be questioning why I wasn’t a sprinter doing a 50m & wondering how it’s possible to hurt so much. It wasn’t a huge surprise to see a huge PB of 4:23 on the clock. At the regionals I learnt a downhill open water day is an even better feeling- 5km of total effortless, mindful swimming. I was 2nd East Region swimmer & so qualified for the National Age Group Open Water Championships as a 19 & over. 

I swam as well as I could at the Nationals, pretty much matched my swim from regionals and was 8th. More importantly I was safe, wearing my ‘medical’ red swim cap provided by Swim England & I brought the all important meet hoodie!! My first National Age Groups since I was 16. 

And so to next season- no idea. No plans. No expectations. No thoughts of retirement. But realistic enough to know that I’m limited to things that don’t push my breathing beyond it’s capabilities & learning a little more about what those are all the time. I always said when I started swimming again aged 34 after more than a decade away that this time I want to walk away on my terms- when I’m done. I’m not done yet even if I’ve had to move the goalposts considerably.